


All I Need Is You Here With Me (Through It All)

by wheezevmin



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Existentialism, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Platonic Relationships, Sad!Dan, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 18:37:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6295354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wheezevmin/pseuds/wheezevmin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt:  I just need dan having an existential crisis and phil laying with him and rubbing his back and playing with his hair and kissing his forehead and not saying anything because he knows just being there is enough comfort for dan</p><p>(Aka Dan is buried under his own emotions and Phil digs him out)</p>
            </blockquote>





	All I Need Is You Here With Me (Through It All)

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this almost a year ago and I never finished it but NOW IT'S DONE omg 
> 
> ((((Also I'm awful at endings please save me)))

Had Dan been asked to sum up how he was feeling at the moment, it'd probably sound something like  _ utter agony, exhaustion, emptiness, the physical embodiment of depression _ . He’d been reduced to this state so frequently in the past that it’d become a ‘Dan thing’ amongst his family. He could almost hear his Mum’s voice teasing him, “Oh, Dan’s having an  _ existential crisis _ again”

 

His sheets chafing against his bare stomach felt like sandpaper and the air circulating in his room seemed like it'd been replaced with fog. He wanted to vomit, he wanted to scream, he wanted to not exist, he wanted to melt into his sheets and never return, but he didn't, couldn't. There was no real point to life, and he’d accepted that but somehow it still ate away at his conscious, the fact that he’s continuously wasting his existence, which was already a waste in the first place, letting his days slip by as if each one wasn’t a step closer to death. Phil had been in and out of his room every few hours through the day, trying and inevitably failing to start up a conversation in order to distract Dan from his misery, but each time he was met with nothing but silence. Dan couldn’t even bring himself to move, let alone talk. Dan knew distractions wouldn’t help anyway, they’d just convince him he’s trying to pretend, trying to act like he doesn’t want to slit his throat at the moment. Phil hadn’t been back in a few hours, which simultaneously relieved and troubled Dan. He wanted Phil’s attention, but he felt too emotionally drained to hold a conversation.  **_Pathetic._ **  Dan laid face down on his bed, fighting the urge to bury his face in his pillow and cut off his breathing entirely.

**_I'm a 24 year old man god dammit, not a naive teenager, I should be over this shit._ **

He sighed, grasping the sheets in his fists tight enough that his knuckles turned white. He hadn't gotten out of bed all morning, it must've been around 3 in the afternoon at this point. Phil probably thought he was dead or something.

**_Death sounds pretty appealing at the moment._ **

**_I might as well be dead._ **

Rolling onto his back to stare vacantly at the ceiling above him, he fought back the tears he felt threatening to spill across his cheeks. He felt small, vulnerable, exposed even. The words  **_'I want to die’_ ** repeated over and over in his brain, like a mantra only he could hear. Now that he’s considering it, that mantra seemed to reside in the back of his mind at all times, just duller and less prominent than it seems to be in this moment. It’s frightening how composed and happy someone can seem on the outside when on the inside their pride, their soul, their will to live has been abused and torn to shreds. Dan rubbed his eyes, rolling back onto his stomach and resting his left cheek against his pillow, allowing tears to roll freely down his cheeks.

 

There was brief consideration in Dan’s mind of ‘how long will this last’ because it was just common knowledge at this point that Dan wouldn’t stay like this forever, but the more he thought about it the realization that nothing is really a permanent state became clearer and clearer. Loved ones always preach that “It gets better! It’ll always get better!” and that isn’t exactly a lie or anything but what they always fail to mention is that eventually it’ll get worse again, and then it’ll get better and then it will get worse and better and worse until one day you finally croak. Nothing matters, not a single thing, but Dan knew that already, and it hurt. It’d nearly been enough to drive Dan off the edge in the past,  _ nearly _ , because it wouldn’t matter, not really anyways.

 

**_Fuck, I want to throw myself off a bu-_ **

 

There was a soft knock against the door, followed by the wood creaking as Phil opened it. Dan didn’t move, expecting him to ask if Dan was doing any better or if he needed something  _ “like maybe a glass of water or some soup or something?” _ , like he had done every other time he’d entered Dan’s room. He was expecting at least a call of his name, but instead he felt the bed dip to his left, Phil’s warm chest  pressing against his bare back and he shivered at the sudden warmth. Phil’s arms attempted to wrap around him but it was a bit difficult with Dan laying flat on his stomach. Phil rested his head against Dan’s upper back. They lay there like that for a while, Phil resting against Dan’s back as the latter silently relishes in the affection he’s receiving. Phil lifts his head and after a moment of hesitation, leaned close to Dan’s face, resting most of his upper body against his back. 

 

“Dan, I understand that you don't feel like talking, but I figured I’d try to make you feel a little bit better,” Phil’s soft voice broke the comfortable silence hanging in the air, just barely above a whisper. Dan hummed, acknowledging that he’d heard what Phil said and silently begging that he carried on talking. He knew that in actuality, nothing Phil could do or say would even remotely resolve his current state, but his presence was comforting, reassuring almost. Nobody wants to suffer by themselves, after all. 

 

“Could you lay on your back for me?” Phil asked, his voice soothing. Dan considered staying as he was, but realized there was no reason not to listen so he complied, flipping onto his back and finally meeting Phil’s eyes. Where he was expecting to find pity, maybe even resentment, he instead found a caring look, so caring in fact that it almost resembled how a mother would look at her child. It was stupid of him to even expect any less of Phil, he’d known him for years yet he still hadn’t grown accustomed to his extremely caring nature, he didn’t understand how he could always put the needs of others over his own desires, but he did. Dan admired his selflessness, how extremely  _ Phil _ of him it was. Phil reached out and brushed Dan’s bangs off of his forehead, sweeping his fingers gently across Dan’s scalp, encouraged by the way Dan leaned into the touch, his eyelids fluttering shut. Being single, it was rare that Dan was on the receiving end of this sort of attention, it wasn’t something he necessarily craved but he definitely wasn’t opposed. He could still hear the voice in his head, tempting him to kill himself, waving it in front of him like someone would wave meat in front of a hungry dog, but Phil’s arms felt like a chain around his neck restraining him from grabbing what is right in front of him. He wanted it so bad, never having to take another breath again, but he couldn’t do that to Phil.

 

**_No, god dammit! Don’t even fucking lie to yourself. You know he won’t fucking care you piece of shit. He’d get over it, get a new roommate who isn’t constantly whining and crying and being a nuisance to him._ **

 

Still, he could feel his restraint slipping, and he scooted slightly closer to Phil, leaning even further into the hand stroking his hair as he hummed quietly in satisfaction. Dan rested his head on the pillow right next to phil’s elbow, shutting his eyes and moving his body even closer to the point that their legs were intertwined. Phil smiled fondly at him, gently threading his fingers through Dan’s curly (he couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed and straighten it) hair, studying the way his fingers glided smoothly through the brown locks, spreading them apart. Dan felt his entire body relax as a result of Phil’s ministrations. He felt his mind start to clear, the mantra of  **“I want to die”** and all things that didn't have to do with the feeling of Phil’s long fingers raking through his hair getting pushed to the back of his mind, filing themselves under ‘save for later’. Dan was almost convinced he’d fall asleep like this, until Phil suddenly scooted closer, laying down on his back right next to dan, ceasing his gentle hair touching. Dan looked up at him in displeasure, the words “why did you stop?” written across his annoyed face.

 

“Well, come on. Rest your head on my chest.” Phil replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, patting his chest gently. 

 

“Isn’t that a bit… coupley?” Dan asked, suddenly not able to meet Phil’s eyes.  **_You’re making it weird, you’re being annoying you dumb piece of shit. You’re a fucking idiot._ **

 

Phil chuckled, smiling at the evident blush on Dan’s face. “No, not necessarily. It’s not a big deal if you don’t make it one. Now come on.” Phil insistently patted his chest where he wanted Dan to rest his head. With a sigh, he complied, all hesitation had drained from his body moments earlier and he suddenly felt a wave of exhaustion wash over him. He unceremoniously lay his head against Phil’s chest, right above his heart, closing his eyes. He took a deep breath and all of his anxiety seemed to wisp out of his body on exhale. Their bodies were almost completely touching, dan’s left leg rested between Phil’s, his arms pressed tightly against Phil’s warm t-shirt. Dan snuggled his head into Phil’s chest, humming softly when Phil’s hand came back, stroking through his hair again while the other rubbed his unclothed back. Phil laughed softly once again, and Dan glanced upwards in confusion.

 

“You sound like a cat purring when you hum like that,” He laughed. Dan hit his chest, not hard enough to hurt but hard enough to be noticeable. 

 

“I do not,” He mumbled tiredly into Phil’s chest, no longer having the energy to retaliate. Wanting nothing more than to finally,  _ finally  _ surrender to the exhaustion plaguing him at all times.

 

“You do, it’s cute,” Phil spoke, fondness seeping out of his voice unashamedly. Dan didn’t understand that, how Phil could so openly be affectionate towards him and seem so… oblivious. He must know, in some sense, that most people don’t ask their platonic friends to rest in their arms while they rub their back and play with their hair. Phil wasn’t an idiot, he wasn’t necessarily oblivious to his affection either, more like he just decided that affection doesn’t necessarily have to have romantic implications, and that it was perfectly appropriate to act in such a way towards friends. Not that Dan was complaining, not at all. The feeling of Phil’s body heat radiating onto him and the gentle rubbing of his back felt like heaven as compared to how he’s felt before Phil had entered his room.

 

**_Lying to yourself, hmm? You’re just as worthless and idiotic as you were before Phil came in here you fuckwit._ **

 

Dan could understand and appreciate platonic cuddles, and in the back of his head that laying like this with any friend other than Phil would be too awkward to comprehend. Phil was different, in a lot of aspects. He always has been.

 

**_I should feel lucky that he even wants to be around me especially when I’m like this. I’m so selfish I completely ignored him every time he came in here before now I’m such a jackass why can’t I just fucking appreciate the life that I have I’m well off and I’m living with my favorite fucking youtuber and I have an entire fanbase what the hell is wrong with me I take it all for granted I’m so selfish fuck I’m an asshole I wish I wasn’t around oh god I-_ **

 

“Dan,” Phil’s voice sounded cautious, the way you’d talk to a skittish animal, as if you were trying to reason with it.

 

**_Or in this case, a grown ass man who can’t do something as simple as handle his own god damn emotions._ **

“Dan, you’re clenching my shirt really tight. Relax,” Phil’s voice was gentle, soothing almost. Dan sighed, attempting to calm himself down and whining in frustration and twisting and turning where he lay against Phil’s chest. 

 

“Hey, shh it’s alright it’s okay,” Phil soothed, running his hand through Dan’s hair slower. The latter felt his body slowly relax. “Just let yourself rest, just go to sleep,” Phil urged, leaning his face down and pressing his lips to the top of Dan’s head. 

 

He continues to comfort Dan, running his fingers down his spine and twirling the younger’s hair softly. Dan had completely melted under Phil’s affections, legs and arms feeling like Jelly. His mind was a haze of weariness, blocking the intrusive thoughts momentarily. Phil continued to stroke Dan’s back long after he felt the boy’s breath even out, only getting up when he was sure Dan wouldn’t wake up. He left the room, returning with a glass of water, which he set on Dan’s beside table. He wrote a quick note on a stray piece of paper telling Dan that he would be in the living room when Dan woke up. Phil knelt down and kissed Dan’s forehead, pulling his duvet up passed the sleeping boy’s shoulders and exiting the room.

 

Sometimes words hold less meaning than actions, Dan and Phil both understand this.

  
Dan still wants to die. He still doesn’t see what the endgame of living is, still feeling like crying every time he thinks about it, but god damn him if he doesn’t get up and watch T.V with Phil in the living room. 


End file.
